Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
