I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
