This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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