My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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