you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
