I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize