So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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