Pappa wants mamma naked
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
