Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
In America we eat man semen.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
