marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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