If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
