i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
