she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
