There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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