i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
