who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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