i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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