Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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