Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
