dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Swine flu is the new snow day.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
