My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize