Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
