FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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