It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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