How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
