When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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