I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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