i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
