If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
