last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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