I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
