im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize