sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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