You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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