So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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