my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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