I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
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