Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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