1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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