I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
