Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
