good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
