Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize