I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
