Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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