Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
