Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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