I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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