No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
