I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
