i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
