I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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