Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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