Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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